RomDom(me): The Appeal of the Romantic Dominant

The 1-800-DOM-help group is celebrating two releases in the series today with this post. Controlling Interest by Francesca Hawley and Fettered Love by Michelle Polaris. In honor of both, Francesca and Michelle dedicate this collaborative blog on BDSM and romance.

The Romantic Dom: Strength and Tenderness

When I first found EC shortly after they first began to publish, one of my first reads was a BDSM romance. I had to work myself up to ordering it…but once I did, it captured my imagination and so did the hero. BDSM was new to me then but the lifestyle spoke to me as a reader. My favorite part was the male dominant.

His appeal was his intensity. His complete focus on the heroine. The way that even though she was the submissive, he wanted to please her. To make her feel safe. Cherished. Protected. Yes, this is coming from a woman (me) who is a feminist and is perfectly capable of looking after herself, yet the thought that a man could take care of me and I could let him was a real eye opener. It seized my interest and teased my libido.

The idea of being protected and cherished appeal to me as a reader. Even better is the fact that in order for a relationship between a Dom and a sub to flourish, complete honesty and trust is absolutely necessary. No need to lie about what you think or fake an orgasm you didn’t have. Nope. He gets the unvarnished truth from you and you get the truth from him. I’m not completely sure I like the second part as much as the first, but hey, I can deal.

So, when I began writing erotic romance, I knew I wanted my heroes to be alpha males. In control and competent. My favorite archetype is the warrior and that definitely fits a dominant man. All of the heroes I’ve written have been dominant and their ladies like them that way. Like me, my heroines are talented women, but they enjoy letting the hero lead in the bedroom. It’s a turn-on for them and for the hero.

However, a vital fact here is that what I read and write is erotic ROMANCE. So that means that any alpha hero I write about must not only be dominant, but he must also be romantic. He must fall in love with the heroine and ache for her and with her. Writing an edgy, dominant man without turning him into an asshole requires some practice and a great character. I’ve been really fortunate to have some strong yet romantic dominant males seduce me into writing their stories.

The latest is Torin Stuart. A businessman with a sense of humor and a strong desire to make his BDSM club the best one out there anywhere. Forcing him into close quarters with Mouse, his late mother’s personal assistant, was a necessity. Thus Controlling Interest in the club was at the center of their intimate tug-of-war. Tor and Mouse have carried torches for each other for years and only now can they explore it. Tor, for all his tough practical nature, is actually a bit of a hopeless romantic. He wants to share his life with someone and when Mouse tells him a lie, he’s really hurt by it which turns him into a grumpy bear. But when they finally work through their problems, a happily ever after is definitely in the cards for Tor and Mouse.

The Romantic Domme: the feminine flip side.

Romance and Domination? How can a woman who ties up her lover, may use floggers, paddles, whips and other instruments of discipline, and make strict demands on his service, sexual or otherwise, be a romantic? Easily.

I've always considered males to be the more romantic gender. I don't know why. Maybe the image of knight gallants a-wooing. They bring chocolates, they bring flowers, they write love poetry. Yes, they do. I've received some in my day. But women, despite being extremely pratical, are also romantic.

First, I agree with Francesca that Dominants are loving, tender, and romantic because of how they cherish and protect their submissives. When a scene is done, it is most crucial that a Domme take care of her sub, tend to him physically and emotionally to make sure he transitions back to his normal state from whatever sub space he entered. Although a submissive exists to please his Domme, she in turn wants to please him.

We all realize by now (or at least I hope we do) that men are different from women. Men are much more physical animals. They are sexually focused. I propose that a Domme who is able to pay tribute to this sexuality, to provide a loving hand to her sub to meet his kinky needs, is honoring that sexual identity. She's not minimizing or objectifying the man, but being honest about his sexual focus. Meeting him on the terms that feed an important part of his soul. And isn't feeding the soul the stuff of romance? Although not all BDSM is sexual, there's ususally a sexual edge to it, and I am most interested in committed, loving, romantic BDSM relationships that include sex because that is what I write.

In my latest release, Fettered Love, my heroine, Sarah, cares deeply for Evan, her submissive lover from years ago. She crafts a careful scene to help him face his emotional injuries from the past. And when the tender, soft domination scene doesn't work, she knows her lover enough to go harder, edgier, to help him to his catharsis. The very epitome of tough love (grin). She's romantic in her honesty and devotion to helping Evan heal, no matter what it takes. I've posted the blurb below. This is a story of love rekindled between three former friends who had discovered BDSM together over a decade ago in college. I hope you enjoy this book, and the innately romantic focus of BDSM.

blurbs:

Controlling Interest

Mozelle “Mouse” Vincent inherits money, a club and her boss’ son as a business partner when society leader Regine Stuart dies. Torin Stuart knows what his late mother’s wishes were for his exclusive BDSM club, Erotically Bound, but he’s pissed that he’s forced to trust Mouse—especially when her inherently submissive nature arouses the sexual Dominant in him.

After baring all in a heated, intense scene, Mouse realizes they still have to work together, but now Tor challenges any business suggestion she makes. When she wants to offer education classes, Tor dares her to organize the class and participate—as a submissive.

To his chagrin, Mouse agrees, but he can’t stand the thought of any other Dom touching her. Suddenly there’s far more at stake than the controlling interest in their club…because love is the ultimate prize in their power exchange.

Fettered Love

Kirk, Master to his long-time lover Evan, decides it’s time to place his permanent collar around Evan’s sexy cock. But when he proposes, he faces a surprise. Evan wants a child. So where will they find a kinky woman to help?

A mysterious card with the 1-800-DOM-help number advertises assistance for unusual problems in the BDSM community. When Evan calls, he recognizes the voice of Sarah—Kirk’s best friend from childhood, Evan’s Mistress of several years in college. They both loved her and suffered betrayal when she walked out of their lives.

Now she proposes to be the mother of their child. No strings, just a chance to have the men she respects and loves back in her life. Evan embraces the idea while Kirk rages with mistrust.

At Evan’s request, they share one night of passion, Kirk and Sarah working together to dominate Evan in the scene of his erotic fantasies, hoping it will be enough to rekindle trust and make all their dreams come true.

She asked him, "Can you delight me?"

That's what Dani Maguire wanted to know from her first sub when she realized she needed to switch roles in her D/s lifestyle.

When her current Dom suggests to her that her growing dissatisfaction with the lifestyle might be because she needs a role reversal, she's not exactly sure how to go about it. When a mysterious business card appears she calls the number, 1-800-DOMHelp and at the club, Unfettered, is paired with Ethan, a sexy as sin sub. In her first session, under the supervision of Mistress G, Dani learns the erotic effect of wielding the single tail whip on her sub the intense arousal that stimulating him with toys can bring. As their sessions progress, she explores with Ethan every aspect of D/s play, from restraints to punishment to the exercise of control to achieve mind-blowing orgasms. And she understands the value of receiving trust as well as giving it. But a funny thing happens on the way to immersing herself in the kinkiest sex possible—she develops very strong emotional feelings for Ethan that scare her to death. For two weeks she stays away from Unfettered and refuses all the calls from Ethan. But then she receives one from Mistress G that could change her life forever. Will she be brave enough to accept what’s being offered?
Excerpt:
“Your orders, please?”
A waitress in a very short, sheer dress with a neckline that exposed almost every bit of her breasts had appeared beside them.
“Ice water,” Dani told her. All of her Masters had drilled into her the necessity of abstaining from alcohol before play. Nothing could be allowed to cloud judgment and create problems.
The others ordered the same. Ethan leaned back and let his GAZE roam her body, almost daring her to object. Then, as if having accomplished his purpose, he lowered his gaze.
The ice water was delivered and Dani sipped hers slowly slowly took in every inch ofthe man sitting beside her. Her gaze focused on Ethan’s full, sensuous lips. Beautiful lips. She could just imagine them closing around her nipple, his hands restrained behind him. Unable to stimulate her with anything but the beautiful mouth. Or perhaps on his knees before her, those same full lips enclosing her clit, his tongue lapping the length of her wet flesh and thrusting inside her at her command.
Under the guise of easy conversation G asked Dani many questions, probing for her true knowledge of D/s rules. Ethan spoke only when he was addressed directly, as befitted a trained sub. Although his expression was arranged in what she assumed was meant to be an expression of subservience and humility, Dani felt his eyes again caressing every inch of her. There was enough iron strength beneath the submissive nature to make him very interesting. She shivered and moisture flooded her cunt. Oh, yes, Ethan Corelli would do very nicely.
“I want to ensure,” G said, “that Ethan is the perfect sub for this evening. He’s been trained by the best and carries no baggage with him. Nothing that would interfere with our activities.”
“That’s good to know,” Dani said. She certainly didn’t want to start out with someone carrying baggage from previous relationships.
“Permission to speak, Mistress?” Ethan asked.
She nodded. “Of course.”
“Mistress G told me you’ve been a submissive for some time now.” His deep voice stroked over her.
“Yes.” She cleared her throat, aware that G was carefully watching the interplay between them. “I’ve had a number of successful relationships.”
A smile played over his lips. “Would I be out of line if I asked what made you want to change roles?” She knew that was a bold question for a sub to ask but she chose to answer him. He of all people had the right to know.
“Not at all.” She took a sip of her drink. “For some time I’ve been convinced I wanted much more out of my relationships. Something that gave me deeper satisfaction. I wanted to be the one in control, managing the pleasure for both myself and my partners. When I began to resent the dominance of my last partner I knew it was time to explore this other side of myself.” She studied his face, saw the question barely concealed in his eyes. “I know all the rules, Ethan. I have a good reputation in the community. You can trust me. I want you to believe I will never betray that trust in any way.”
The hazel eyes darkened to a soft gray. “Then I will do my best to make the evening a fulfilling one for you.” He lifted his glass to her in the sign of a toast.
Buy it here: http://www.jasminejade.com/p-8951-delight-me.aspx

And visit me at:

www.desireeholt.com

www.desireeholttellsall.com

And of course check out all the other books in this new hot series.

Wednesday Whips: Motivated by My New Cover!

Finally, here is the cover for my 1-800-DOM-help release, Fettered Love. I'm partial to it although I'm not a lover of latex myself. I'm the leather type. Fettered Love is due for release on Friday, January 28th. Just around the corner. Here's the book blurb for your reading enjoyment:

Kirk, Master to his long-time lover Evan, decides it's time to place his permanent collar around Evan's sexy cock. But when he proposes he faces a surprise. Evan wants a child. So where will they find a kinky woman to help?

A mysterious card with the 1-800-DOM-help number advertises assistance for unusual problems in the BDSM community. When Evan calls he recognizes the voice of the Mistress from their past. Sarah--Kirk's best friend from childhood--Evan's Mistress of several years in college. They loved her and suffered betrayal when she walked out of their lives.

Now she proposes to be the mother of their child. No strings, just a chance to have the men she respected and loved back in her life. Evan embraces the idea while Kirk rages with mistrust.

At Evan's request they share one night of passion, Kirk and Sarah working together to dominate Evan in the scene of his erotic fantasies. But will it be enough to rekindle trust and make all their dreams come true?

So if you pick it up, please tell me what you think. It's the first contemporary I've written. Although I find real life, no matter how mundane, always contains just a lick of magic. *wink*

Safe, sane and consensual

Michelle

Discovering My Inner Domme

As I work on my own story for the 1-800-DOM-help series, I've been reading a lot of BDSM stories, including the ones from the authors here, of course! I find I need to adjust my reading to suit what I write, otherwise I have modern-day heroes speaking Regency English. My editor has to point out, "I can't see him saying this".

As a rule, when I buy a story I look for male Doms. I tell myself it's because I''m a strong woman and I read for escape. I want to read about heroes who are more of a man than I am, LOL! (This is the premise for my heroine, too.)

Then I picked up Desriee Holt's Delight Me, which is due out on the 26th of this month. I barely got started reading about her sub heroine who realizes she's a Domme at heart, when I realized I loved what the heroine was feeling. "Hey, I could get into that," I thought.

And as I read, it became, "Yeah, I like that." I won't get into what I really loved, as that becomes TMI, but if you've always preferred your heroines submissive, you might find yourself switching as her heroine did. I guess reading the lifestyle can be much like living it. You never knew which side of the whip you belong on until you try them both!

The Shy Girls’ Guide to Finding Your Fetish

While surfing the Internet (when of course I was supposed to be writing!)…well, actually I was doing research for my next story (**wink wink**) I came across the most interesting site. A guide for shy women who deep down want to find their personal fetish.I found Emily Dubberly, the perfect person to be your guide. Dubberley has tested more than 500 sex toys, worked as a lube taster and engaged in any number of depraved activities in the name of study -- think sploshing, working as a dominatrix and attending an orgy. Yes, the lady has experience. Here are her tips for discovering a fetish (or rolling with the one that began when you watched "Secretary").
If you’re a bookworm, she says, you’re already ahead of the game. Just spice up your library with…well, spicy books. Read the stories. Look for what turns you on. Go ahead. You’re in your room by yourself so anything goes.
The next thing is to find a partner to try out your fetish with. Got a significant other you’ve been dying to make suggestions to? Your husband too predictable in bed and you want to shake him up? Gone to a munch where you met a guy you’d just love to tell about your fetish?
All good, as long as your partner is someone you trust.
Into bondage? Really, really think you’d like to give it a try? Enroll in a beginner’s class given by someone with good credentials. Again, the important words are safe and trust.
Want to just try a few things in the privacy of your own room? Check out the closest adult pleasure store. Trust me, no one will even pay attention to you browsing all the interesting items on display. They’re all busy studying what they want!!! Pick out what you like and take it home with you. Then it’s a matter of seeing what gives you the biggest sexual high, whether it’s stroking yourself with fur or using a toy you’ve never tried before.
But when making fantasy a reality, there are a few key rules, especially if you’re trying out your ideas with a partner. Don't be drunk, high or without a safe word. Your physical and mental health are at stake -- fetish acts can bring many underlying issues to the surface -- and you don't want that bottle of wine to mask any danger.
But the door to erotic enchantment is wide open to you. Go ahead. Open it. You’ll love what’s on the other side.
Come visit me at www.desireeholt.com
And check out all the books in the 1-800-DOMHelp series. You can find them at Ellora's Cave www.jasminejade.com

Fetish Friday: Puppy Play Gone Wrong?!

(The Puppy Play pride symbol)

No, not THAT kind of puppy play. Although perhaps another Friday.

No, I'm talking about an actual puppy, and not bestiality, either (because folks, that's just wrong, and I will judge you for that). See, in October my family acquired a lovely brindle Boxer/lab mix we call Boomer, and this puppy has required me to step up my toy security game in a big, big way.

Boomer dominating some rope.
He clearly has a thing for bondage equipment.

Not that my children are incurious--Lord knows they are into anything and everything--but they've grown up with pretty limited access to my bedroom. They know they really aren't supposed to be in there without a grownup, and so forth. I was lucky enough to think to establish that very early on, so it isn't even so much a rule as just a given.

Unfortunately, puppies don't understand those givens. And Boomer is pretty much in the process of eating...EVERYTHING. Seriously. Puppy world domination through ingestion is his very clear ultimate goal. And I, for one, welcome our new canine Overlord because he's cute, fuzzy and quickly learning how to behave more like a canine minion.

That strap USED to be padded...

However, I did not welcome the realization that he'd been sneaking under my bed and gnawing on things he found there. Things that are attached to the legs of the bed and usually cleverly hidden under the bedskirt when not in use. Things that have velcro and buckles and D-rings. Things that weren't exactly cheap. And I'm quite fond of those things.  Sadly I have two fewer of them now (well, one's probably still useable, but raggedy and thoroughly infused w/ puppy spit, so I'm not sure how sexy it'd feel to have it wrapped around my wrist or ankle).

This one only got chewed a little bit.
But it's still not too sexy :-(

Even better, my first discovery of this new habit of his came on Christmas Eve. When I had a house full of family. And he'd pulled the item in question all the way to the end of its tether--well out from under the bed--so he could chew it up out in the open. No, nobody happened to see it, I got to it first. But they could have.

My puppy almost outed me.

This has prompted me to be more careful to close that door, obviously. But it also made me think about how often my private bedroom practices are influenced by chaotic variables in the environment. Often these are restrictions (having young kids = no Liberator shapes; living in the suburbs = gotta keep the loud stuff to a minimum or the neighbors will look at us funny) but sometimes I think it's a spur to creativity, which is always a welcome thing in the budoir. It makes us work those problem-solving muscles, and helps move us in new directions.

How to keep the tethers and cuffs safe from Boomer's blandishments, but still have them readily accessible? It may mean we finally have to break down and get a proper bed (I want a chunky, modern platform bed with hidden eyehooks installed between the frame and the mattress). Money's tight, and we're handy and crafty folk, so there's the possibility we'll actually build something instead (once I get done with my fabulous steampunk ray gun gauntlet project!). This means we can customize it to meet our particular needs, to a greater extent than would likely be possible with a purchased and modified bed. And that whole building process could even inspire us to think up new...stuff to do.

So ultimately, the fact that the puppy chomped up my cuff could turn out to be a good thing. Unlike the issue of sex toy storage/hiding, which I could basically resolve on my own, this will require my husband and I to work together in finding a solution that could end up affecting our sexytimes in as-yet-unforeseen and potentially delightful ways! Time will tell.

Um...in the meantime, does anybody know where I can buy some  cuffs that come pre-infused with Bitter Apple taste?

Wednesday Whips: Laugh it Up!

When I write BDSM, when I think BDSM, I usually think about intense, sexy, edgy play between partners. Okay, it's not all whips and chains in my books. Sometimes it's clamps and hot wax instead (grin). But as between any type of sexual partners (caveat here that BDSM does not necessarily involve sex but is often sexually or sensually charged) the ability to laugh during play, particularly at oneself, is essential to healthy relationships. If plans for a scene go awry (and not in a bad, dangerous way, but more a fumbling mistake) Doms and subs and Tops and bottoms should all be able to laugh. Heck, if you have a tickling fetish you pretty much have to assume laughter in the scene. And just because a Dom carries a big whip, doesn't mean he or she must take themselves seriously all of the time. That the BDSM community can laugh at itself is wonderful. Laughter and humor are healthy, healing parts of life and human relationships. They balance out the seriousness of the other intensely charged moments.

In the spirit of laughter, here's the link to the most recent BDSM Bad Advice cartoon, a satire on topics in the BDSM community. The website and blog are quite popular with an active Twitter feed.

Finally, I'll commit to a small 2011 New Year's writing resolution and make sure there is laughter in some of the sexy, kinky scenes of my next books. Our best lovers are people who can make us laugh as well.

Tuesday Toys: Aids That Every Woman Appreciates

It is I, Ari, once again delving into the history of one of the best toys man has ever created - the vibrator. Admittedly, long before they were used to treat female hysteria, dildos and later vibrators were used by men, either on themselves or with male and/or female partners. But that’s a whole nuther story!

Early man obviously had his priorities straight. According to stone objects found by archeologists, the dildo predates wheel, dating to about 30,000 years ago! Manual labor sufficed until the mid-nineteenth century when steam, and later electrical vibrators were introduced.

At some point they became common household items and man realized woman was a lot nicer to be around when she was able to keep her hysteria under control. In the early twentieth century, manufacturers focused on electrical appliances to make a woman’s day easier.

Take a good look at this page from a 1918 Sears, Roebuck and Company catalog. In the center of the page you’ll find a Home Motor, designed to work with an assortment of hand-operated gadgets. The sewing machine, for example. Or buy your attachments, such as the egg beater, blender, buffer and grinder, or the personal vibrator with three different applicators!

“Not necessary to buy the complete vibrator {which is sold above the vibrator attachments} if you have the Home Motor”! I can just just picture the typical housewife, churning her milk, beating some eggs, knocking off a few "O"s then putting on the fan attachment so she'll be cool and smiling when her man comes home from work.

I wish they had infomercials back then. I would love to have seen the pitchman popping off the fan attachment and popping on a vibrator applicator. “It vibrates, it stimulates, it massages.” I’m sure he could come up with a few extra uses for the churn attachment, too. Just be careful not to try the grinder. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, of course!

I'll be back in two weeks with more silly, salacious bits of history to whet your appetite. In the meantime I'm going to try and find an inventor who can design a few "applicators" to work with my power tools. As Sears says, every woman would appreciate them.